Commusings: How to Sail a Relation Ship

Dear Commune Community,

Next week, Schuyler and I celebrate the anniversary of our nuptials. The orbits around the sun seem to accelerate year over year. Schuyler does not adhere to ritual – so she will surely forget the noteworthiness of August 5. And she rarely reads these Sunday musings, so this screed will likely not serve as a reminder. It’s become a pastime with the children and I to wager on what time of day our anniversary will bubble up into her consciousness – or if it will at all.

Irrespective of Schuyler’s disregard for the ceremonial, we’ve been joined at the proverbial hip for 36 years. Like neighboring oaks, our trunks are gnarled together, our boughs have inextricably tangled and I don’t want even fathom what our root structure looks like.

In truth, I’ve been with her for 36 years and she’s been with me for 35. This differential remains a subject of animated debate – often relitigated at dinner over sauvignon blanc with no resolution.

Given this imponderable period of togetherness, people often come to me for relationship counsel. To be clear, I don’t fashion myself any type of romance wizard, but I sometimes leverage this nautical metaphor:

They call it a relation-ship. And while it’s relatively simple to captain a ship in smooth waters, the true test of a good skipper comes with tumultuous storms. Hence, I imagine by mere dint of three and a half decades of navigating turbulent seas, I’ve picked up a trick or two or, in this case, three.

I do find it somewhat curious that many well-known relationship experts appear unable to actually have one. I suppose it’s not necessary to have had cancer to be an oncologist. But love “in theory” rarely resembles love “in practice.” My tips spring from the latter.

Of course, there is no playbook for enduring ardor but as a feeble attempt to comply with the algorithm, here are my “three keys to long and successful relationships.”

Key #1: Never Go to Bed Mad

The resentments that can infect a relationship often fester like untreated wounds. They rarely appear suddenly out of the ether. On the contrary, like diabetes and heart disease, they are progressive in nature. They develop over time.

You can nip your resentments in the bud by dealing with them promptly. Build your relationship on the foundation of honesty such that you can address issues swiftly. Admit when you’re wrong. Forgive easily. Don’t carry grudges. And …

Never go to bed mad.

Key #2: Encourage Risk-Taking

We too often characterize commitment within the brackets of sacrifice. We think about all the things we must give up in order to maintain our relationships. However, in many respects, commitment should be liberating and not limiting.

Commitment allows for the taking of great risks and the pursuit of madcap dreams, promising that, in failure, there is the comfort of love’s soft pillow to cushion the fall.

When your partner harbors an ambitious goal, support it and provide that pillow. In this act, you are enabling your partner’s growth.

Key #3: Cultivate Creative Projects

Relationships can quickly devolve into the transactional and logistical – especially when there are children involved. My blood pressure can be mapped directly onto the arteries of the Los Angeles highway system that connects dance competitions, dentist appointments, and sleep overs. No one wants to drive to the Valley three times in one day!

A relationship can quickly become an exercise in barter. You take Micah to school. I’ll do the shopping. You do drop-off. I’ll do pick up. And so on and so on. In this haggle, the roaring fire of passion can quickly become a meager flicker.

To sharpen the edges of dull care, find creative projects to do with your partner. This doesn’t mean you have to co-write a cookbook or open the next French Laundry. It could be planning and planting a small garden, redecorating the den or conceiving a wonderful party.

I encourage partners to find a shared vision in which you jointly apply your imaginations. Even if you and your partner have different skills, you can coalesce around a vision and work together to manifest it. The goal of joint creative enterprise is not the product, but, rather the process of collaboration.

Employ these strategies and your (relation)ship will sail smoothly even in the choppiest of seas.

In love, include me,
Jeff