Commusings: Spiritual Glamor, Bypassing, and the Ego by Danielle LaPorte

Dear Commune Community, 

Six years ago, I was asked to be a part of the Super Soul 100, a group hand-selected by Oprah Winfrey of “one hundred innovators and visionaries who are aligned on a mission to move humanity forward.”

Given the other members of the group, which include Brené Brown, Iyanla Vanzant and Zendaya, I’ve always considered myself #99.

The group was asked to assemble one Sunday in a warehouse on Oprah’s lot for a photograph. And, when Oprah asks, the response is generally affirmative. There I was, nervously shuffling around the set, bumping quite literally into Ava DuVernay, Esther Perel and Sophia Bush.

The photographer scurried around placing everyone in the frame. I balanced precariously on an apple box just behind Oprah, summoning all my calm to avoid toppling onto the Queen like a drunk sentry. I began to list a little to the left and I heard a voice, “Pick a gazing point and you’ll be fine.”

I looked up and, in a moment of darshan, beheld the most sparkling eyes I’d ever witnessed. “Are you Danielle LaPorte?” I sputtered.

“Smile,” she said calmly. And the photo snapped. I look like the cat that ate the canary.

This serendipitous meeting was the beginning of a wonderful friendship. Danielle has offered me countless spiritual teachings and today’s essay (and her new Communiversity training, Spiritual Essentials) is brimming with them.

Here at [email protected] and balancing on the apple box of IG @jeffkrasno.

In love, include me,
Jeff

• • •

Spiritual Glamor, Bypassing, and the Ego

By Danielle LaPorte, excerpted from her upcoming Communiversity program, Spiritual Essentials, starting September 25.

Part 1: Spiritual Glamor

I always wanted to have a near-death experience. But not something too inconvenient, or terrifying. I wanted just enough death to get me to the Tunnel of Light. Then, I’d come back with brilliant information for all of humankind. Or a supernatural talent.

You get your lessons how you get your lessons.

Some people get their spiritual lessons delivered in glorious visitations from etheric beings. Some are miraculously healed from their illnesses. Others have what Zen Buddhists call a satori—a sudden enlightenment experience that renders one illumined.

It’s easy to glamourize those spiritual rarities and forget that in many of those cases, those “special” individuals endured massive suffering or endured extreme circumstances before their breakthroughs. Eckhart Tolle was in a long-term, deeply depressive state and contemplating suicide.

There are just different tracks of suffering and awakening, cycles and incarnations.

Some of us choose the accelerated program: acute suffering and acute awakening.

Others choose the beginner level: suffer moderately over a long time, and gradually awaken.

The danger in wanting to uplift our consciousness is that we might neglect human rootedness. Being multidimensional and yoga-fied seems much cooler than, say, working on your conflict resolution skills in the workplace. But…we get our lessons how we get our lessons.

T.S. Eliot said: “Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important.”

When you combine spirituality practice with the ego’s need to be different and “special,” you might get some spiritual glamor, which is when one regards their spiritual experience as a qualification for special treatment or superiority.

Spiritual glamor folks always find a way to insert their esoteric resume into the conversation. Spiritual glamor uses spirituality as shorthand for clout.

“I got a download and my Spirit Guides directed me to…”

Hey, just because your guides said so doesn’t make it more accurate!

Spiritual glamor sets itself above the people it thinks are less evolved, while simultaneously getting its glitter from those very people’s admiration and awe. It also tries very hard to win favor from the Universe by working diligently toward enlightenment.

Spiritual glamor thrives on ranking systems and mystical accouterments. It’s very showy. And divisive.

And forgivable.

I think we should all share our mystical stories more freely, if we’re inspired to. But it’s the motivation behind the storytelling that we need to double-check.

One person can tell you that they saw angels or aliens, but the subtext is: I’m just that much more special than you.

One person can tell you about their angelic visitation for the sake of connection and being helpful. As a result, their story brings you closer to them—it’s unifying.

• • •

Part 2: Spiritual Bypassing

Spiritual bypassing is where you put a spiritual spin on a “negative” experience to avoid uncomfortable feelings. “Non-spiritual” feelings…

But before we find the “gift in the pain,” we have to face the pain in the gift.

Let’s say that someone steals an opportunity from you. And in order to bypass feeling all the “not-so-spiritual” emotions of anger and betrayal, you give the event a cosmic interpretation.

“Must be my karma. It’s all fine.”

Hey, maybe you thief ’d their camels in a past life and this is payback, but now is now, and until your feelings are addressed and integrated, things can’t come into balance.

Spiritual bypassing can give off the impression that we’re taking the high road. We can skate on the surface with positive thinking for a long time. But the true spiritual work is to wade through the ditch of dark feelings, to get all mucky and frustrated with them, and then to climb out and STILL choose forgiveness and morality on the other side. It’s the dirty work that builds resiliency and wisdom..

Faking harmony takes us out of our hearts.

It’s ironic: What we think we’re doing in order to be whole actually creates more separation. And this is how spiritual bypassing can be so destructive.

Obviously, this is a suppressive behavior—and what’s suppressed often erupts. But possibly more harmful is that spiritual bypassing categorizes everything as either spiritual or not spiritual. And that’s like saying some of us are divine and others are not. Or that only some of our feelings deserve recognition, while the rest should be relegated to the back room.

Suppressing and condemning our feelings creates chaos and pain. Everything under the sun—including our rage and discrimination—warrants our mindful attention. This is the practice of consciousness. To observe what’s going on: I feel hurt, I feel insecure, I feel lost…

When we avoid our pain and our perceived shortcomings, we’re delaying our awakening.

When you Love the gnarly — and you know what happens? … you become a more Loving person.

• • •

Part 3: The Ego

The gift of the ego is to show us who we truly are.

The ego is the unhealed part of us. Or more succinctly, the ego is the way our unhealed self acts. It’s not an entity outside of ourselves, it’s our creation. It’s a way of exaggerating a sense of a separate self. It’s a way of identifying as being apart from Soul, from Source, and from all other forms of life. It’s a way of seeing ourselves as alone, and therefore in a hostile universe.

And the ego acts like it wants to keep it that way... but it doesn’t. Not really. The ego is looking for Love.

We tend to think of ego as arrogance and grandiosity. Bravado and flash. But ego behavior also shows up as meekly insecure and overly self-deprecating. It will play all sides to try to keep you out of higher-vibration states and experiences, like acceptance and communion.

We might want to think of the ego as a villain that’s not “really us,” something apart from our sacred nature. But the ego isn’t actually separate from us, it just likes to keep up that appearance.

The shadow comes from the same source as the Light. It’s not real, it’s only a projection. But it has a divine origin. All shadows are cast by Light. Which is to say, the ego is a figment of your imagination, but you’re the one doing the imagining. You are the Light source casting the shadows.

So while the ego is a false sense of “an alone self,” it very much belongs to us. And rather than trying to tame it or leave it behind on our way to enlightenment, we need to accept it for what it is and let it finally come to peace.

Let me introduce a useful concept: Ego-ing

The ego is a behavioral pattern. It’s a way of thinking. It’s either on the defense or the offense, but never in the heart center. So it’s not so much that we have an ego, it’s that we “ego” our way through life. Adyashanti has called this ego-ing. When we could be Loving, we’re ego-ing.

Recognizing the ego as a behavioral pattern helps us to dissolve the image of the ego being an enemy outside ourselves. When we see the ego as a way of operating instead of an external character, it helps us be more understanding and compassionate with it.

So when we’re being a bit arrogant or too timid, what if, instead of saying, That’s my ego that I need to get in check … scold … tame … we just say, Whoops, I was ego-ing. And we can get back to Loving.

The ego is also a wonderful trainer in intimacy. As we go about our ego-ing – comparing and fearing and rejecting parts of ourselves and others – we’re getting to know what it means to have our shadows revealed. And that’s an amazing opportunity for Compassion and Forgiveness.

Ultimately, the ego is always crying for Love.

Danielle LaPorte is a member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100 a group who, in Oprah Winfrey’s words, “is uniquely connecting the world together with a spiritual energy that matters.” She is a well-known author, speaker, and entrepreneur in the field of personal development and spirituality. Danielle has written several books, including The Desire Map, White Hot Truth, and The Fire Starter Sessions, and, most recently How to Be Loving, a nuanced perspective on the life changing power of self-compassion, shadow work, and being more receptive to higher guidance.